The internet was abound with absolutely top chat on Wednesday with the news that David Beckham has named his new USA! USA!! USA!!! Soccerball team Inter Miami, and with nothing else to do over the next international-flavoured fortnight, people quickly took to assorted social media disgraces to offer their alternatives. First thoughts of a popular rudely-named five-a-side team were quickly disbanded because IT DOESN’T WORK, whilst others pointed out AC Miami had already been copyrighted by a local air-conditioning firm. This is what we’ve been reduced to, reader.
Inter Miami, or Club Internacional de Fútbol Miami if we’re to give the fledgling club its full name, is fine, really. It doesn’t quite have the “grandeur” of other European b@stardisations in MLS like Real Salt Lake City or Sporting Kansas, but it’s more serious than an American trying to pronounce Reading FC or Leicester City, and at least the club claims to have a reason for the new title with around 70% of Miami’s population of Latino origin. “Our city and our fans draw their strength from the dreams of a global population that calls Miami home,” cheered Becks’ sidekick suit Jorge Mas. “It is only fitting that our name pays tribute to the inclusiveness that makes us who we are.” What’s more, the club have also taken on the colours of Palermo, the Sicilian club renowned for its iconic pink and black kit and managerial revolving door.
But then the press release took a turn. Talk of “a 360-degree city-wide digital takeover” and “the creation of murals celebrating the crest” sent shivers down The Fiver’s spine. Cries to adopt the local super-snake python or the trusty alligator on Inter Miami’s new badge were ignored in favour of the fearsome heron, which was explained as “a symbol of power, protection and patience” and “a tenacious hunter of the land and sea, noble spear of the skies, guardians at our gateway to the Americas”. Applications for the mascot’s job are presumably still open.
Meanwhile, “the sun’s seven rays symbolise the seven seas that bring people to Miami from the seven continents and are a homage to David Beckham’s career”. You can’t fault their imagination although, much like a site for their new stadium, a tribute on the badge to Simon Fuller, the former Spice Girls manager and another of Inter Miami’s owners, is yet to be found.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The football business doesn’t suit me. Too irrational. If you want to lose real money, buy a football club. Investing in football was the mistake of my life” – Charlton owner Roland Duchâtelet finally finds something he and the club’s supporters can agree on. Meanwhile, in other Addicks-related news.
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“I have found someone new. After 49 years of supporting Manchester United, through thick and thin, I’ve decided the passion just isn’t there any more and I’m moving on (to following Celta Vigo, if you must know). It’s time to turn my back on the club, its American owners, its 66 official sponsorship partners and the Premier League in general. So what I’m trying to say, I suppose, is that as I embrace Spanish football, it’s also a case of adios Fiver, and really, it’s not me, it’s you” – Phil Smyth.
“Re: Denmark’s travails (yesterday’s Fiver). As it so happens, I am a bemused baggage handler at the Port of Copenhagen. Unlike my counterparts at the airport, I haven’t yet been asked to pack my boots and shinguards for Friday’s game. Which is fair enough, as I’m British, with Norwegian grandparents. Then again, if Tony Cascarino could get away with winning 88 caps for the Republic O’Ireland” – Steven Olson.
“Surely the perfect solution to the DBU’s plight is Nicklas Bendtner and 22 full-length dressing-room mirrors? I believe Mike Ashley has a few spare that he wants taken off his hands” – Mike Allc0ck.
“The Maybot has obviously been a student of Peter Crouch’s goal celebration (yesterday’s Recommended Looking). Who will pick up the gangling slack in the unimaginative wasteland of Premier League goal celebrations, the fans ask themselves?” – Adrian Tuck.
Send your letters to [email protected]. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Steven Olson.
BITS AND BOBS
Scotland secured their place at the Women’s World Cup with a 2-1 win over Albania, in part thanks to Switzerland’s goalless draw with Poland. “It’s not often I’m lost for words,” said head coach Shelley Kerr, clearly producing some words.
Germany’s rebuilding project after their disastrous World Cup is off too a good sta … Ah. “You sometimes get the feeling it doesn’t matter to [Leroy Sané] if we win or lose,” morale-boosted Toni Kroos. “He has got everything to become a world-class player, but sometimes, he needs to be told what to do.”.
Thibaut Courtois has elected not to attend bridge-building classes after his move to Spain. “The level at Madrid is much higher than at Chelsea. I can verify daily that Sergio Ramos is the best defender in the world. [The Bernabéu] is double the size of Stamford Bridge,” he tooted.
Nigerian FA suits have banned senior national team coach Salisu Yusuf for one year and fined him $5,000 for accepting $1,000 from an undercover reporter. In the secretly-filmed video, Yusuf promised that specific players would be picked for an upcoming tournament after the reporter handed over cash.
And following his suspension as New Zealand Women’s head coach in June – after 12 Ferns players wrote letters of complaint about him – Andreas Heraf has returned fire with both barrels. “The newspapers compared me to Adolf Hitler. These are things that go too far,” he sniffed. “The ladies participated in four world championships and never won a game.”.
STILL WANT MORE?
Having attempted to change the name of the club twice, sold off star players, redesigned the club crest, closed part of their stadium from supporters and done away with concessionary tickets for children, elderly and disabled fans, Hull City co-owner Ehab Allam breaks the news to Ben Fisher that “we are detached emotionally from the fans”.
Which team ‘entertained’ their fans with an average of 0.67 goals a game and nine goalless draws to produce the dullest home season in history? The Knowledge, as ever, knows the answer.
Callum Hudson-Odoi, Victor Moses, Bertrand Traoré … Why feeder clubs around Europe Chelsea have been grateful for the talented pupils turned out by £38,000-a-year Whitgift School.
Ben McAleer tells Unai Emery how to do his job.
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